There is a child inside of me that has a hard time settling down and doesn’t like to share. I woke up this morning feeling blue. There is no way to say it better. It was rough. I’m not proud of it, but it was an old cocktail of lonely, sad, and a little afraid. I guess I poured myself a double. I know we all taste this bitter brew from time to time. For me, those are the kinds of feelings that kick this version of young Jonathan’s little butt to the foreground, tantrums and all. When he is around, there is often little that I can do to get rid of him. This morning though, I took a pause.

I decided to give him some attention. More than that, I decided to give him some room to breathe. Instead of the usual cold backhand slap of judgment that I toss him, and get into an internal conflict, I listened. It was a practice to not boot this emotional character out of the way in service of a more pragmatic character who will organize the taxes I need to file, the emails I need to respond to, and the plans I need to make for the future. Trying to bully him with reason usually ends in a standoff that leaves me in a state of getting nothing done, easily angered and a resonant feeling of sadness that is really old and unresolvable.

Well I’m here writing now, and I think that is a good sign. Today I was just a half a step better at not falling into an old conversation, and in fact I stopped having it on a few occasions. In those moments I did not persecute myself, but I also did not recoil into a state of inactivity. I’m not sure I can recount an exact formula or steps I took, but I can just say that it was different. I invited this young lad to participate in some of the things I had to do today:

At the gym, I rowed harder that I have in along time, I showed up for a meeting with a confidence and passion for a particular position and I went grocery shopping for the week. Now I’m a bit sore, maybe pulled a muscle, I may have taken the wrong stance at the wrong time, and I have more pumpkin seeds than a family of four needs for a week. But I took the little guy out for a walk.

Today wasn’t perfect. I still didn’t get my taxes done, I still haven’t a clue what I’m going to do with my life, and I still feel a little sad. But instead of pushing this child out of the way, I invited him to come along. You know what? We had a pretty good day together. I’m going to go make him a cup of tea, and try to read him a story while he falls asleep.