I changed my mind today.

While that was hard to do, it’s really hard to write about here.

In general I don’t like to choose. To a fault perhaps, I avoid making choices if I have to. But when I do choose, I stick to it. I can be trusted. I will carry the burden because I said I would.

The martyr in all of this, does however, tend to build dramatic blinders that don’t only keep my eyes going in one direction, but my thoughts. If I divert there is a head full of negative self-judgment hurled in my direction in the hopes to keep me on track with my choices.

Today has been about the power of my body chiming, no perhaps shouting, into my conversation about a choice I had previously made. Today I used faculties other than my head to interrupt the judgment and doubt. I was invited to look honestly at my historical patterns, and to ask the beautiful question, “What would it feel like to change your mind on this?”

I was dragged through a sleepless night last night until at 5:00 this morning I sat straight up in bed gripped with the deepest feeling of resistance. My chest was tight, my hands were balled into fists, and I felt a sense of regret and questioning about my choice. The only words that would come to me were, “This is not the right time”. So a few deep breaths later, well maybe more than a few, I could decipher that cryptic message into a much clearer one, “You need to change your mind”. Well now I was stuck. I couldn’t avoid this. This was an old voice, one that I haven’t been paying enough attention to.

The choice I was really struggling with was not between the great option or the other great option, but the choice of which voice to follow. This work, this becoming, has challenged me to start listening to different voices. It has challenged me to feel for different cues. This work has challenged me to do it all a bit differently than I have done it in the past and pay attention to the quality of the different results.

I’m hurting today because I still don’t know if I got it right. I never will. Practicing becoming, and paying attention to my inheritances is not easy. I’d love to send a note to my future self asking him to thank me for today and to let me know how this was a moment that I was able to build on moving forward. Today was about trusting that neither choice was a wrong one, and neither was more right than the other. It was about listening closely.

But as much as I am staying present and patient with the pain of it, I am holding my self with gratitude and acknowledgement of the bit of bravery I was able to muster in the face of this internal exchange. This is a practice after all, right?